I write you this letter in total confusion.What would you like me to write? I don’t know if this should be just another letter, like one of many that I have sent you, to have the hope that I will be alive to send you more. Or to let you know that this will be the last letter you will receive from me, to take away all expectations of life; this to be my letter saying goodbye forever. What would you like me to write?
I am nervous, scared, worried. Not of what will happen to me, but of what will happen to you. I don’t know what you will do alone and that scares me more than any attack or any war. That thought of you not having me there for anything that you need, not being there for you in this mess, in this agony, in such cruel times. Our children, growing without a father, me being just a memory for them. War changes people’s lives, people’s views, people’s minds and leaves them completely destroyed one way or another, and that is what has happened to me. My soul has been wrecked seeing people come and go, seeing the cruelty that the world can have upon you, seeing how heartless people can be. My life has been destroyed forever; I know I can’t escape from war, even if it was over, even if I survived.

I have to confess that the image of you being alone concerns me, but the image of you being with who I’ve become, with this broken man, is what makes me stay awake all night praying to God to not be unkind, not to you.

Sometimes there are situations that make people talk about how they really feel, express their true feelings, open up as they’ve never have before. But why did I wait to this situation to tell you how I feel? Why is the approach of death the reason for me to tell you how much I love you, and how much I’ve missed you every single day I’ve been here? Why did I wait so long? This doubt of not knowing if I will survive the mission is what makes me more close to you than I’ve ever been.